it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
