I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
