Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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