we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize