Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
