note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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