i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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