At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
