I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
