i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
one might say we're banned from that church
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize