fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
