My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
