take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
