Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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