if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Boobs are out for the taking
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize