I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
