Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
