I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
now i know why i became what i already was.
vagina is talking i cant
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
