I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize