Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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