just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
