WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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