come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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