Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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