Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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