Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
