you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
