i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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