Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
