apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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