smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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