Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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