Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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