I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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