I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
