When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
