In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I need to calm my uterus...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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