if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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