she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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