My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
