Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
