I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
