Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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