I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
