you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
