Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
When are your genitals available?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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