I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Randomize
