and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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