I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize