I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
