if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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