then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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