So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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