Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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