Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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