I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
