now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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