I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
