Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I could make wine with my vomit
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
