Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
