so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
