She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
