I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
